Theodore Roosevelt
|-|Human Form= |-|True Form= Summary While the full existence of the entity of pure, unadulterated badassness known to us puny mortals as Teddy Roosevelt is undecipherable by even the most omniscient characters on this wiki, the life of his human avatar can be narrowed down to a certain period of time. He was "born" on the 27th of October, 1858 as a sickly child with debilitating asthma, though he overcame his weaknesses through embracing a strenuous lifestyle, and coupling his achievements with his exuberant personality and vast range of interests, he quickly built a "cowboy" persona defined by robust masculinity and the inability to give single flying fuck about anything. He would live his life practicing in being a colossus of freedom and fairness across all of America, smashing monopolies and ensuring all his citizens pure food and drugs after he became President at the youngest age held by any resident of the Oval Office. He "died" on the 6th of January 1918, though in reality only his mortal body ceased to function, and even then as pointed out by Thomas R. Marshall "Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been awake, there would have been a fight". Powers and stats Really this section should just be called "A theory on Roosevelt's true prowess, as no being on any wikia would live long enough to actually measure him in any conceivable way" Tier: N/A, possibly Roosevelt Tier in his absolute weakest and dying moments in mortal life Name: N/A, Theodore Roosevelt in his human form Origin: N/A, though he did forge the mighty realm of the Badass-sphere out of his own cosmic blood and tears for any being badass enough to follow to live there with him (Note: Albeit possessing of several candidates worthy of receiving his training, no being has yet made it to this plane, except for HOSTLESS, who was granted access after an honorable final bout) Gender: N/A, appears as the most masculine man to ever man in human form Age: N/A, even in his human form had no use for the concept of age, though supposedly """""died""""" at age 60 Classification: N/A, defies all classifications Powers and abilities: Completely inapplicable, completely encompasses the concept of powers and abilities while simultaneously transcending it by an unknowably infinite amount Attack Potency: N/A (Even his avatars possess the ability to absolutely transcend such a concept by an indeterminable margin, while the amount to which his true form surpasses such avatars cannot be properly put into words by even the most brilliant of writing possible) Speed: N/A (Completely transcends all and every speed with absolutely zero effort, exists as one with the Badass-sphere, a realm of existence so far beyond the scope of this or any other wiki that even the most memetic of omniscients receive seizures by merely trying to comprehend it) Lifting Strength: N/A (Due to his rugged lifestyle, can lift absolutely anything, with even the most vast and omni-dimensional memetics on this wiki being mere ants to him) Striking Strength: N/A (Is completely above the concept of physically, mentally or spiritually touching his enemies, instead anything challenging him merely ceases) Durability: N/A (Nothing can harm the Bull Moose, even if something does, which has yet to happen, that damage is immediately redacted) Stamina: N/A (Completely above stamina, as he considers it a petty concept that barely could deter even his sickly child form) Range: N/A (Encompasses all of "range" and transcends it all) Standard equipment: Above such concepts, though he does keep his big stick handy sometimes, along with his pure food and drugs Intelligence: N/A (All knowledge that ever was or wasn't inevitably starts and ends at him) Note: This entire profile is an educated guess at a fraction of Roosevelt's power, as if the omniscients tasked with researching this document were stressed any further, they would have likely perished out of pure shock at even the tiniest percentages of true power that would have been revealed to them Feats Note: In accordance with the previous note, these feats have only been collected from his human avatar, as lovingly provided by Badass of the Week *Teddy Roosevelt suffered from Athsma and severe nearsightedness, but still managed to kick more ass than a six-legged robotic ass-kicking machine with the "kick asses" dial set to eleven. He spoke French and German fluently, studied in Europe, wrote numerous literary works and got his degree on scholarship from Harvard University (which is a pretty good school, I guess). *While he was at Harvard one of his professors got super pissed at him for being so awesome and yelled, "See here Roosevelt, I am the one teaching this class!" I'm not sure what happened next, but my guess is that TR threw a chair out the window and punched his professor in the mouth. *When he asked his girlfriend Alice Hathaway Lee to marry him, she said no. This didn't deter him and made him go out of his way to be even more kickass. The second time he asked her she agreed, because everybody knows that a badass like TR always gets the girl in the end. For their honeymoon, they went mountain climbing because they were even more Xtreme than Tony Hawk is when he's drunk at 3AM and decides he's going to try and ollie over a fifteen foot-tall statue of Jesus. *When his wife and mother died on the same day (Valentine's Day 1884), Teddy ditched everything and moved out West (Clint Eastwood-style) to try and kick ass like a cowboy. *While he was out West, some douchebag named Mike Finnegan and his gang stole TR's boat. Instead of crying like a girl about it, Roosevelt pursued them for two weeks through the Dakota Badlands, kicked their asses, handed them over to the authorities and got his boat back. *He returned to New York and was made commissioner of the NYPD. Instead of being a pussy and hiding in his office all day like the commish on Batman, TR went undercover as a beat cop and walked the streets of New York trying to catch policemen slacking off or taking bribes. If he busted them in the act, he fired them, punched them in the mouth and then stuffed them into a garbage can. *President McKinley made Roosevelt the Assistant Secretary of the Navy in 1897. When the Spanish sunk the USS Maine off the coast of Cuba while his boss was on vacation, TR sent Admiral Dewey to the Philippines to take out the Spanish Navy. Roosevelt then declared a state of War with Spain, despite the fact the he had absolutely no authority to do so. Acting on Roosevelt's orders, Dewey then sunk the entire Spanish fleet at Manila in about four hours. *Immediately after issuing the declaration of War and giving the Spanish Armada a one-way all-expenses-paid trip to the bottom of the fucking ocean, Roosevelt resigned his post as Assistant Secretary and formed his own volunteer cavalry regiment called the "Rough Riders". He took anybody who wanted to join, regardless of race or creed, and headed out to Cuba to whomp asses. At the Battle of San Juan Hill, the decisive battle that sealed the American victory in Cuba, Roosevelt won the Congressional Medal of Honor for "conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity" and was promoted to Colonel. *When he returned as a war hero, Roosevelt decided to run for Governor of New York. Since the New Yorkers knew that TR was going to clean out all the corruption in town, George Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman decided to instead nominate him as a candidate for Vice President, a post where he presumably wouldn't have any power to do anything. The McKinley-Roosevelt ticket won, and McKinley was assassinated almost immediately. TR became President on 9/14/1901. *As President, Roosevelt settled strikes, broke up powerful trusts, built the Panama Canal, desegregated Japanese schoolchildren in California, fought to preserve the independence of South American countries from Europe and worked to conserve the American outdoors by commissioning numerous state parks. He also invited Booker T. Washington to chill at the White House, marking the first time a black man had ever eaten dinner as an official guest at the White House. *TR won the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end to the Russo-Japanese War. How many people in history can claim that they won both the Nobel Peace Prize for making peaceful and harmonious shit happen as well as the Congressional Medal of Honor for kicking asses and possibly even taking names? *Just to prove how awesome he was TR built a huge fleet of white battleships and sailed it around the world, making sure to stop at the ports of any nation that thought it could possibly kick the US's ass just to prove to them that they couldn't. *He stood outside and gave a two-hour speech in Milwaukee immediately after being shot in the chest in an assassination attempt. It was only after the speech ended that he went to the hospital to get the bullet removed. *TR went on an African Safari in 1909 and put an expedition together to explore the Amazon in 1913. While in the Amazon rain forest he battled disease, heat and hostile tribesmen before discovering a new river, the Rio Teodoro, and returning home in 1914. Others His disciples: Chuck Norris Tronald Dump Hulk Hogan Peter Cullen HOSTLESS Obama John Cena Alex Jones Overly Manly Man USAball Things he unknowingly crushed: Monopolies Bullets The Spanish Every single animal ever Everything else (that includes me, you and everyone else on this or any other wiki) Inconclusive matches: Wilson Churchill Gallery Fuckmotheringteddy.jpg|Pretty much any VS battle involving him Brosquad.jpg|His team about to fock yo ass Greatspech.jpg| Roosevelt advocating for free and pure edits and profiles, circa 1903 Moosewhisperer.jpeg|Roosevelt is seen here riding a moose. This picture is fake, but admit it, you totally thought it was real until I said it. That's how awesome Theodore "Fuck-Mothering" Roosevelt is. 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